catherine

05:21 pm: First day in Tepetitan, San Vincinte
It finally hit me. Being here in El Salvador I stood in the hallway outside the room of my future hosts home. my host, Maria just left me infront of my new room for the next three months and yelled back to her neice -venga-. my new littel friend katherine wanted to stay with me. It was love at first sight between the two of us. Her smile is just awesome if there was such a thing. I had been alittle overwhlmed with all the classes I have had so far here in training with men, robberies and the attacks that occur here. To be honest I began to have a severe lack of hope for Salvadorians because of being someone who is alwasy up for a challenge UI began to think -how can I avoid these people-. I knew this wasnt the right approach but I couldnt help but thinking it and was convinced this was how i would live my next two years.
to begin let me start with the walk fromteh bus stop to my host home. every street looked like the other, run down, tin roofs, shit from dogs and cows everywhere, a man with no teeth staring at me, a dog wandering around with patchy spots for a coat of fur and a group of young men playing football in the street ....which at this point i began to think...are these the men who will attack me? Was I in a dream... was this all a dream? ...

12:32 am: So here I am. Again. My status? Still pending my invitation to the Peace Corps.
I'm on Long Island. Tonight after I left work at the hospital, I stopped by my highschool job. It's basically a Pharmacy/Everything u could think of selling type of store for rich people who pay alot of money for something worth a maybe 5 dollars. I don't like going by because lets face it.. who likes small talk.
Anyways... I got to run into the old crew and catch up. They asked what I was up to and when I began to talk about leaving for the Peace Corps and my futhur plans to live down South for grad school. I began to hear and notice how excited and confident I was about my plans for my future. Everyday that goes by and I am still waiting to get a letter with a concrete invitation and assignment I can't stop wondering about the experience I will get to have. I have not yet once second thought it. I'm sure though this might occur days before leaving, but it hasnt yet.
So the update.. two weeks ago I got a letter back from the health headquarters. More paperwork needed and detailed explanations for silly things that happened with me yrs ago. Tomorrow, this should be all wraped up again and mailed out by the afternoon. Then I give it another month to hear. On a good note, the supervisor for the Intra-American and Pacific island placement unit contacted me. Told me I was nominated for Youth development and I am schedualed and on target for Spring of '07. She asked me to update my resume with furthur experience and send it in again for my file. I will add the experience at the Hospital working in the Administration dept as an assistant b/c I would love to have the opportunity to be a program leader when abroad.
So this past new years I was in the new york city. I bought ridiculous priced tickets to this venue in the city called Capitale. Well worth it. I had a great night, met some pretty interesting people I haven't met in awhile.

In closing.. I will just mention quickly that having this year after graduation before leaving for the Peace Corps I've realized has allowed me to catch up with old friends and family after being caught up four yrs with college/Albany scene. Being able to work and make money let me do alot of things I couldnt spoil myself with in the past. I work hard in the week.. almost 24/7 with jobs and the weekends I relax. Do the first thing that comes to my mind, freely and willingly. I love it. However, there are some things that could make it better and plainly money doesn't make make it happen.
My job at the hospital I enjoy. I like the enviroment, people and interaction in the administration dept. I have seen that my character often resembled the attitudes of the differant directors I work under. How they solve problems and help other departamental staff I begin to think this is a possible future I would like to have and easily succeed in.
This is my update thus far for the new yrs.

01:07 pm: Peace Corps in the works
I am still working on my clearance. I handed all my medical paperwork in and crossed my fingers it wouldn't be returned. However it was. But to my suprisement... fairly quickly. On a good note ...dentally I am cleared. On another note though, there are a couple loose ends that need to be cleared up health wise. They want to know every doctor I have ever seen, private and what not... and it's just difficult to track some of these doctors down. Its a real pain in the butt! I just want it to be all finnished so I can find out where I am going to and do research on the country. I am getting really excited looking at other posts and journals of active volunteers who are out at this time. My time will come soon... till then, its contining to work, pay bills, and live life. Soon it will be packing and saying goodbyeeees

03:24 am: three big things in life
1) I am seeing my dad in 4 days who I haven't seen in close to two years.

2) I am graduating May 21st from SUNY Albany.

3) I have been nominated for Community Services in Spanish for the Peace Corps. My availability is Sept. 1st, 2006
(what location exactly expected to hear by August if my health forms are cleared)


nervous and excited about all three...

02:32 am: reflection
Time is passing really fast. It seems since there are only two more weeks left of my college career that the ending days are speeding up. Everyday seems like a second and every conversation happens just as fast. Later I think, "What were we just talking about?." It happens so quick that I can't even grasp what I am saying or doing at any time. Why is this happening? It makes me feel should I even bother. This time is the most important. I want to, but at the same time whats the point.
It's crunch time. School, friendships, relationships and life. Is there anyway to slow things down. So I can at least comprehend them as they happen. So I can remember and hold onto all the memories. I am looking at pictures over and over. The same ones hundreds of time. Studying and remembering the qualities about the people in the pictures. Realizing the new friends and experiences I have had over my four years here.
Why do we go on to make new experiences and expectations when they are just taken away from us anyways. Nothing will ever stay the same. People who you begin to depend on slowly fade away. They once listened to you, asked you everyday.. "how are you?" "where have you been?" who looked out for you, cared about you are either distracted by new experiences and completly shut off or slowly start to fade away by other pulls. It happens. There are only certain things you can control and other people isn't one of them. Why should you open yourself up and meet new people, let them into your life if they just end up going away or being taken from you by. It isnt fare.
Life is a gamble. You don't know which people you meet will always be there. Who no matter how life pulls you apart will always make an effort to ask you, "how are you?" "what did you do today?" You just have to cross your fingers and hope that they respect you and need you just as much as you them in your life. Life is just one big gamble that you hope in the end, (where ever the end will be)you'll appreciate and realize you have hit jackpot.

02:36 pm: makes ya think
http://www.thirdgoal.com/

02:46 am: one more thing
It has been awhile.. awhile since i last thought about myself. surprisingly it is so easy to look into the future.. think about who u want to be, where you want go, what u want do. Even thinking about the present time and trying to make sure it best resembles your goals and who you are and what u want to do. however i think i got lost in this stream of things and forgot to remember where i have been. what is the point of doing things, being places, meeting people if u forget about them in time. i haven't forgotton, but i sense i am losing a part of my memories as time goes on they often start to fade. however thinking about them now, it is upsetting to realize this is something I can't protect. As much as I see it happen to others and tell myself I am differant it happens. I have pictures and papers to help me remember where i have been, things i've done and people i have met, but there are then those memories that I can't hold onto literally and can slip through the cracks.
I have been trying to sleep tonight, but it has turned into one of the nights when your mind takes over. All of a sudden I remember all these little things that bring back so many memories. Things I have forgotton about how it felt until now. For a strange reason I started thinking about when I got back here from spain.. the feeling I had about being almost unstopable and intouchable. No one new exactly what I had encountered except for myself. My random daytime trips i took alone, the people i met are solemly my own memories. Walking through the river, the parks, museums, seeing people eat at cafes, catch up for late afternoon chats with their dogs, the feeling of the sun going down, the air cooling off, the unplesant sight of lg roaches, shit on the sidewalks everywhere, the street cleaners out with their hoses that for some reason attract large crowds. The simple things there that people normally would take for granted. I don't know if spain has came back to me because I'm stuck in winter here, but I can not help but think about sandles. Haha these glittery sandles i had. I wore em all the time there with skirts. I remember goin to the beach almost every night there.. either after a club, before a club, jst for a random meet up with vino tinto, a birthday fiesta, a farewell get together or just staying at the beach from tanning after school till the early morning before making it home. I just remember what it felt like walking around in these sandles.. where I had been. They were everywhere I was, and for some odd reason I can't wait to pull them out of my closet again. Strange how a piece of clothing could mean something more. I'm alittle sad though now thinking about them because I think I wore them through.. there is a whole forming on the sole of one.

I was also thinking about other things from not as far back as spain, but more recently as in this past semester. It has only been a few months, but now I realize that things I had experience last semster will never be repeated. They are unique and no matter where I go, who I meet it will never resemble certain times I have had here in Empire. Talks, quiet hangouts, laughing with friends, random dance parties in the appartment, the expectations of a full year ahead, the suspence of figuring out people in the hall, coming home from work to a made bed, randomness of certain encounters, the feelings i had around people, the thought that everything falls into place at it's right time, the first time things occurred and the thoughts that raced my mind, the closeness I got to old friends with a new sense of dependability, the simpleness of kisses, hugs, and hand holding that I won't forget and will just bring back all those good times that happened throughout the entire semester.
I am happy to be moving forward.. however I just want to make sure I don't forget things that mean so much no matter how busy things will get

01:42 am: I wish I had something to write. It's always better to see things written and helps to clear your mind so u can focus on what really is the objective. Sometimes things just can't be put into words though. It becomes more like work then enjoyment or relief. No beginning... middle.. or end to start from. In hopes though, that in writing a few lines now like these, with no clear cut relation to what I really want to talk about will be my release from my thoughts. when i know exactly how to write what i think then i will. till then the mixed thoughts that are crowding my head will have to settle with this. and i think they have.

05:54 am: Journeying has always served as a metaphor
Journeying has always served as a metaphor for the passage from one life state to another, from childhood to adulthood, ignorance to wisdom, life to death.

check this link out... interesting connection http://www.guardian.co.uk/print/0,3858,4027110-103425,00.html

05:47 am: so sick of people saying you're irish cause u can drink.. this is irish
What is Irish? You must be thinking to yourself, do you have the correct definition of what it entails to be Irish? You think about your parents and grandparents or you might even trace back to your great grandparents. You consider were they born in Ireland to provide you a link to the flourishing green fields of Ireland. Everyone has that inch of Irish blood in them somewhere, but does it truly mean you have what it takes to be Irish? You think about the language, of those who have an accent or speak Gaelic. If you can speak this Celtic language, this must mean you are Irish, or does it? I will tell you what it is to be Irish. It is more then a language barrier or being a descendant.
Irish is talking food. The waking of hearing the crackling sounds of Irish sausages, black and white pudding and rashers being fried in the kitchen. It stirs your taste buds and causes you to salivate without even giving you time to pull back the blankets. Does hot, homemade, creamy Bird’s Eye custard ring a bell? Or maybe you have to even go as far as the touch of seeing the Chocolate Flake and sugar on top, to make it magical. Potatoes, that’s right, you know it. There is no meal existent in Irish recipes that doesn’t include a hardy boiled potato. The potato is the big guy, the main course. No sitting at the table is completed until one is eaten. Boiled, baked, fried or mashed, sweat or not it all works. Picked fresh out of the fields, cleaned, peeled, and boiled are the four steps a baby learns besides to crawl, walk and talk. Irish is craving your mom’s homemade Irish stew and Shepherd’s pie. The smell and warmth of fresh Irish soda bread, scones and biscuits. The excitement of running home from school on Fridays and being greeted by the delicious, soft and sweet breads. Fighting your 8 other siblings, scattering around the kitchen table to feast on the sight. You would bet anything right there and then, there is nothing greater than your mom’s cooking at that moment.
Irish is being born with dancing shoes on your feet. All laced up, tracing your calf, you await the sound of the instruments to begin your move. The known steps, one- two -three, one-two-three, are drummed into your head. You are taught the saying; “thinking when dancing is like dancing with two left feet.” Scurrying across the floor, the daily pressure, practice, and drills to catch and keep up makes you become an Irish dancer. If your family is guilty of having Irish music on before or after dinner, at family gatherings, BBQ’s, long car rides and even organized from the soft soothing listening Irish music to the ceili sets then you are Irish. If your mother or father carry around in their pocket a cassette titled “The Greatest Ceili Hits,“ so when at another friend’s party it can be played or even encourage strangers to get up and dance then you can claim you’re Irish.
Irish is work. An assigned daily task is not a punishment it is respect. Respect to parents for working as hard as they do. Girls staying home ironing, washing the dishes and clothes, running to the market to get dinner. Making sure dinner is out on the table by the time father and brothers come home. This isn’t a curse; it is daily life, a routine and what needs to be done for efficiency. Irish is knowing having a range involves monthly trips to the Bog. Old, ratty, and torn clothing is the dress code as we begin to lift the turf bags to the trailer of our tractor. Days of work beginning at sunrise and ending hours after sunset with bleeding knuckles or raw hands this is normal. It’s a common bond you have with you share with your family which from your hard work, your family will now have a fire for cooking in the range or keeping a fire burning throughout the night. Begging your father for a trailer ride is the highlight of the Bog. Holding onto the top of the trailer as he pulls on the clutch, to raise and tilt the back as we begin to rise higher and higher. Holding on for the excitement that if you let go you’ll slip and fall down the trailer into a bog hole. Torturing your older and younger siblings by picking at their fingers which are grasped onto the top of the trailer, are all apart of the rules.
Irish is pride. Pride in one’s country, to live, talk and deal with what life gives you. Never having shame in the country no matter how hard you worked there or was raised. Talking about memories and breathtaking scenery. The presence of misty rain allows us to appreciate simple days of sunshine or a blue sky that might only last an hour. This is Irish, never allow anyone to persuade you differently.

08:56 pm: thinking and such efforts


create your own visited countries map
or vertaling Duits Nederlands

02:55 am: A thought
What's sufficient enough in time, people, money, ideas, love, thoughts? Is there ever an answer or will there always be an empty gap. A hole sometimes covered up, but always caves in. Are we suppose to always want more. If we are suppose to make our own choices and choose our own desires, faith and future how come we can't have it all. What and who made these ideas valuable or invaluable?
It seems like society puts alot of importance on simple things that are suppose to be granted to us, but when they dont come as easily we beat ourselves up. When you can't change what u have or will in the near future why do we judge ourselves so harshly.
What should we live for today.. nature.. should we just keep simple and be happy for our health and living. It wouldn't be allowed becuase we would become distant from everything else. If we choose our own objects of importance and majority chooses others then we are shamed. Since things are such a mess and society and other factors fail us shame on people who believe there is an ideal.
I say fuck it all... dont tell me how to think, how to act, what to love, what to hate. I create my own rules and if you don't understand, like them or this idea... Move on because this one doesnt budge.
I might not know what complete and unspeakable happiness is, but I do know the simple, uncomplexed tributs that piss me off or make me happy. Since that is a constant and something which I have no control on... take it or leave it

02:25 am: impossible wish list
MP3 player
Digital camera
Black North Face feliz

05:26 pm: here is a subject for you
i hate when life comes to those times when it feels like everything is fallin apart for you. one moment u have a grasp on everything, you know what your doing, where your going ... you have faith in people, relationships are great, trust is there, u can talk to them, they are there for you and then next minute u are slapped in the face with nothing. nothing. it sucks becuase i feel i am constant and just wish i can be treated the same way. u need people in your life. good friends and i put everything i have into friendships and take them seriously becuase in the end thats all u have... friends and family. its a huge disrepect and upsetting when u need people and they cant be there for you. i would hate myself if i ever did that to someone else. however it could also be me being greedy.. like i need u now... and just becuase they cant offer theirselves to me that instant i will get mad. dont get me wrong, there r those i can always count on... they are there, have been before and are now and i value them so much, there are no words to describe. they know who they are. its just hard when u think u know someone and find out, u don't know them at all. im always careful, if anything obsessivly careful with opening up to people and how i talk and trust people but when it turns out to be a joke in my face it hurts alot.

today i have had a rough morning. i'm upset with myself because of trying something new last night. it was very dangerous and not the best for my heart condition and im mad i took such a risk. i did 7 shots of tequilla with guys that live down the hall from me. i came home from work will all intentions on staying in and doing work since i have so much to do. however its so easy to get distracted. afterwards i hung out with some other guys, talkin about europe and music which has no stopping me since im passionate about the two. it was there i did this shit that they had in their room. i didnt really feel anything off it but just had alot of energy. i will not do it again only becuase today i am just upset with myself and feel it wasnt me. thats not who i am or what i do. im mad that i just didnt give a shit about anything last night. this is a tough time in life and its the time i have to give think and deal. so basically, yea i wasnt dealing with stuff last night but today its still here. i still have to deal with everything i need to do and if anything i just missed out on time i could have handled certain thigns and taken care of them.

its now sunday i feel like time is going fast and i have nothing to show. im stressed about the work i have to do this week. i have 3 papers to write.. all which are long ones and one extremly long where i have no beginnin to yet. i have to get articles, create an experiment and do really well on it. imi worried about my grades. i need to pass every class. i need to graduate. im already cuttin it close. i want help with wat i need to do, but there is no one who can help becuase it is only me who can do what i need to do. its all for my own life and would never think about askin help anyways. i dont like people helping me. i always hated growing up and people would think they can solve my problems or do stuff for me. i always feel i have to prove myself. why... why do i care.

so yea... i just wanted to vent. but in order to fully clear my head from my thoughts im gonna go to the gym or go play basketball. that always helps

03:09 am: found
i don't know where i have been, but i am back

no distractions from myself

08:32 pm: alumni rowing has begun
i never really had it hit me that i am done with rowing. that my days of really being apart of the team were finnished. two weeks ago my freind had asked me to row with her team in the boat for saratoga crew. then today i have been asked by 3 people on my old albany team to row. Now that is in a boat of 4.. not only would it be a 4 but it would laso be alumni which makes us out of shape, alittle rusty to the calls of the cox and all in all not in sink with one another.
I told them give me a day. Why cant i decide right there and then. Is that a sign im not ready for it? I want to row becuase I love it and alwasy had ever since i begun. Since winter is right around the corner it will be a test to myself I still have it and face the fear of not rowing for almost 9 months. The cold crisp air will feel great to breath in and test my body right before the winter blues.

However:
I do have work that day at 2.. but my race is in the am at 9. Although we still have to leave campus at 5am which will most likly be the time at which i am comin home from my friday night. My cousin and freinds are comin up for the halloween weekend. I want to go out friday night with them, but then if i do.. i will be firs tired the next day and second weighed down with beer.. even if i only have two cups. Another stike for the weekend is we are racin a 5k and not 2k. So besides the point of not rowing for almost a year.. i will be completly out of shape for one of our longest races. Last but not leastly i have to wear my uni again and there is chance of snow for the weekend..............

Posttive though:
i will get to see all the people i used to row with, show the team i still care, get to enjoy the atmosphere once again of 1000 boats lined the shore. i will get to enjoy the feeling of pushing myself to the limits physically which i have not done in a long time.........such things to think about
luckly i have tonight

11:10 pm: im confused
how do u know what u want. when it comes to relationships. i dont know what i want. i love being single, but then there are times when u want someone there to share things with, feel comfortable with, be at ease. What makes guy relationships differant from your relationships with good girlfriends and family. it always seems when i start to get involved with someone they start asking me questions of what i want. but what does one do when they dont know. does everyone always know straight of the bat that what u have with someone else is worth pursuing? Am i just naiev? I like to be sure about my surroundings, and it bothers me that there are always these thoughts that sworm you when u start getting to know someone better. At the same time, i couldnt picture it the other way. Cuase then you will reach that time... when you want to know "what is this" "where is it going". Ever in the past though i always ruin things becuase im subtle with realtionships and unsure... is this something about my character? I always take the easy way out.. the road that I am more familiar with. However this isnt good. I am holding myself back, there might be good things out there. At the same time i dont want to be teasing people? Or is it i am uncapeble of making decisions. When does pushing off the topic or being in denial.. get to be too much? I am a firm believer if its meant to be it will happen. However, what if you keep blocking it from happening.. then how far does faith work?

on a differant note.. i hate school right now. i am also disappointed in myself. I am gettin bad results on my tests and exams. this is my senior year.. i want to do good for myself so that i can learn more about my major which will help me alot in my goals and dreams for my future. i have been distracted, lazy, and imature this semester. there is no excuse.. i know what happens is becuase of what i do, but it seems i am alot busier then usual. Busy though.. is a matter of perspective, therefore i can always make time. when it comes to things that are important why cant i just cop-on and get with it.

bottom line... hopefully things will switch around soon and i will have thought what to do

05:29 am: some things
words i hate for one reason or another.......
can't
vunerbility
ask
no

the words at this moment i can think of, maybe there is more.. maybe there will be, who knows

03:27 am: odd feelings
some times u think life is boring, sometimes u think its fantastic and u think of all the luck u have, i just wonder why i always have to second think that and wonder when all those good times of that day and previous days are going to end. Why can happiness last forever, i wish it would. I wish all the negative thing i deal with and other people would just disappear.. but i guess that have to exsist just to make life interesting and motivate people just to work harder to acheive things in general.
Today was a good day for me. It started with hanging out with all new people at an irish festival in altamont. It was with people i have seen and talked to before.. andother people i just met today. I finally got to spend time with them and see what it was like and what they were like. I think they are unique and hanging out with them wouldnt bother me at all. THey all have outstanding characteristic differant from each other, their own goods and bads, but overall together we all fit like two peas in a pod. The irish festival was so much fun and at moments of the traditional irish music i felt like i was in ireland. I thought about my dad today who when Im in ireland we both take the carivan to the music festival at the end of the summer. I felt since i never made it to ireland this summer that the festivcal today was alot like the one in ireland with less irish people with accents and less traditional music. I miss ireland and my father. I have been thinking about him alot. He called me the other day and i havent gotton to call him back. He takes my and my brothers/sisters actions very seriously and prob thinks since i havnt called him back im not interested in talkin to him or care about him since i havent made the move to talk to him. Things is its tough for me to call him right now form my cell phone.. im goin to get a calling card and then call him its cheeper. Plus second thing i sent him a 10 page letter. Its hard becusae we havent talked for awhile so i dont know where to start. I hate small talk.. so impersonal, but its sucks and hurts that small talk has to sorta happen with i talk to my dad on the phone. Oh well

I was very suprised to see a stripper at my appt when i got hom from the festival. I managaed to shower again and get dressed even though i was complely wiped out already. I could have settled for my bed. The stip show was fun and new and interesing. it was new and wierd.. but cool.

As for T's for some reason.. i like it tonight. Dont know why..usally hate the place cuase the people type there, but tonight.. was differant. dont know why.. who knows.. but im settled with htinking i had a good time there and wont analyse it like i do everything else.
goodnight

09:16 pm: i miss playing basketball
Never realized while i was in highschool on the basketball team, running to cyo practice and traveling basketball how much I would miss it these days. I wish there was a basketball team that I could constantly just play with whenever I felt like picking up and playing. I have had the desire to play since this weekend, well last week when sign ups for intermerals started again. Thing is though, intermeral league will be hard this year becuase of the 3 jobs and full time school that i'm trying to pull off. I like the weekly checks, and the sound of graduation.. and wel if you think about it basketball doesnt sound like much for my future after college. Was before leaving for college with scholarships, but well graduate school and my line of work, doesnt give out basketball scholarships. I wanted to play tonight desperatly, but thats why it sucks being a girl. Its tough just showing up and playin pick up with the guys cause they tend to look down at girls playing. I can keep up definetly and run with them and even have better court sence but its just the beginnign awk i have to keep forcing myself to block out. past couple years was always tough at first but when i get into game situation and start playing i dont think about it any longer. I always have a great time and cant stop. This year I will jsut have to get back into the same routine.

So I finally also got in contact with my Dr. today. Turns out I have atypical cells. GREAT! Another thing to have to think about. Just great! Whats my way of dealing with it "whatever...shut up about it and just make another damn appointment to get this shit overwith." My moms worried and now has another thing to nag me about. I wish I could just tell her and she could just listen, but instead she has to get into my head and start questioning me with no controll. I dont want to have to answer the questions becuase I'm still thinking abnout it myself. I never think anything is a big deal... and that also is my problem. She knows i push things aside which I do with certain things like my health. Other things I get down, move on... I just have a way of thinkin that I am untouchable.. which god has shown many times isnt true. Maybe he is just trying to tell me to listen alittl harder. Hmmm

Another wonderful deal I have going on is school, payments and such. Its wonderful to be in my spot right now with school payments.. becuase well I have some payments to still make up for the summer time abroad and also for this school year. I applied for another load... got denied what i requested since I co signed it. So now i have to reapply with a new one. This will take more time.. gotta get the info together.. then send it in and wait for responce. Then pay for everything going on here. Oh its just great! I hate anythign with numbers. Wish somethign would just take care of it for me. At the same time.. i know this is my buisness not anyone elses. Its my education, my loans, my life who it effects. I just want life to revolve around worries like whats going on for the weekend....but yeah life isnt as easy going and well.. here it is

nothing else to say.